40,000 feet in the air, multiple times on a transatlantic flight. Never eat an entire Papa Johns pizza before a long flight. My apologies to the passengers of flight 755.


New Year’s Eve, 2000. All five Disney parks over five days. Couldn’t have done it without Mountain Dew Code Red, king sized Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and Red Baron microwave pizza.

Whenever my friends ask me to help them move into a new apartment or house, I usually leave them a little housewarming gift. Movement!

Target. I could barely leave the toiletry aisle. I was thisclose to pooping behind the pharmacy counter. I mustered all of my strength, squeezed my cheeks and just barely made it to the men’s room.

In a Wendy’s foam container, you know, the one they use for baked potatoes.

My pants. On the El.

Twice a day at work. Nothing is as satisfying as getting paid for it.

One time in college, my toilet was broken. I had to do a two BAD so I grabbed a plastic grocery bag and squatted over the toilet to poop in it. Then I threw it away…at school.

In the mail box of a man that freaked out at my friends and I for playing touch football across his lawn. Hell hath no fury like an 11-year-old’s sense of vengeance.